it’s an expression I often find
because of you.
Like the ocean I adore
just breathtaking in
Beyond the tides that are drawn
and constantly pushing me away
there’s also the tides that pull
me in real close,
never wanting to watch them
Control, it’s what I have to do
when I discover I’m
submerged in you. Can I trust
your currents to keep me safe
when it begins to get deep?
I could float all day and night
letting your waves lead the way.
Just promise you’re not here
to tame me as I drift away.
I hear the echo or the voice of my inner selfishness speaking to me.
She knows not to pursue, but must satisfy the voice and not the universe.
That same echoing voice becomes my guilty nightmare.
I try shaking off the coldness of the inner voice.
Deciding to walk dow to the old magnolia tree, but something tells me to cast my attention to the field of lavender.
The breeze sends a whisper catching my trance the dancing lavender roped me into.
That whisper repeats: You don’t want to be that same woman anymore.
I remember that folded up piece of paper covered in coffee stains and the stench of cigarettes that has been kept in my back pocket since the day I walked down to the waterfront proceeding to perch, grabbing what seems to be a perfect pebble.
But the voice of my inner selfishness yells at me, reminding me there will never be something that pure.
Wanting to toss it out and watch it skip across the lake.
But not today, my inner selfishness says.
I know what to do to evolve from that selfish voice before it consumes me forever.
I catch myself yelling out loud.
Even though my mind is real flimsy when it comes to knowing what is right and what is wrong.
I still draw my attention back to that folded up piece of paper, reaching to evict it from my pants pocket, gaze over the 2nd thing I never wanted to let go. Light it on fire.
The embers fall gracefully into the crystal blue vortex of my secrets.
I revisit where I was before reliving every second, storing what I can in my mind.
I never would have known that I would keep your motionless body buried deep beneath the old magnolia tree, facing the lavender where you will smell beautiful forever while my inner selfishness keeps you near.
Ashleigh Brown AKA Nikki
I had what I believed was a heroine.
When I was cold, I had you as
my favorite fuzzy blanket.
You entered my body like a tsunami —
a complete warmth that
changed my mood in seconds.
Always there even if your loyalty
didn’t seem the same —
at least you stayed by my side
when I just wanted to ride.
you have made me go through
a car collision that wasn’t
meant for me to survive and
still I kept you by my side.
I would convince myself how
much the comfort of your love
outweighed all the destructive ways.
Just like that I walked through
the desert seeing the mirage you
realizing my way of feeling your
comfort lead to my most
I have not only allowed you
to take over and rewrite my life,
I have let you control everything
so there is nothing I can claim
You have taken away everyone that
had me with the people
that couldn’t give a damn about
So enticing, I let you engulf
my consciousness, while you laid a veil
over my eyes.
Ashleigh Brown, AKA Nikki
Today I Reclaim
Today I reclaim the me
that I once knew.
No longer dragging anchoring,
stale situations along beside
I reclaim my words, actions,
keeping all the hate behind.
How much I missed that
woman I once knew.
I reclaim who I am outside
of a man or friend,
no longer struggling to
divine what’s supposed to
This was hard to come by.
All the succubuses tried sucking
After reclaiming so much of
I am starting to do
Next time, I will tell people
to get in line.
Ashleigh Brown, AKA Nikki
Empowered women empower women.
We are supposed to stick together.
No matter the skin we’re in.
Why do we continually tear each other down?
Mostly around each other with hate or malevolence
on our hearts.
Saying hurtful words to get skin deep.
We say we’re encouragers, uplifters, and motivators.
We can’t pick and choose who we do these
things for, you just do it.
We need to stand now together, heart
to heart. Soul to soul.
Let’s start today, make a deal with yourself —
your sisters around you that you will be
a woman empowered to empower women.
A storm of darkness, no tornado warnings
giving the feeling of being in the eye of the
storm. Throwing me against a brick wall
shattering every bone in my body. Drowning
in sorrow with no lifeguard. Bereavement filling
my throat and nostrils. Deluding thoughts
have a chokehold on my mind. My heart
butchered like raw meat, eaten by a grief
so cold and numb. A chill down to my toes.
Body stiff as if rigor mortis has set in.
Carrying around the weight of a dead body
my tears rain down on the world. I once lived
in full of life and color which now is black